04.08.18
For those of you who don’t already know from my facebook posts or random snaps in the ER, the past three months I’ve been struggling with a pretty good range of different things..
I’m gonna start with saying that it’s easy to assume someone’s life looks perfect or amazing just based on their social media and all the pictures they may post of them traveling, going out- whatever it may be. I feel like that’s an impression I may give off to people since I live in Germany and have the options to travel all over the world, and I have an amazing boyfriend to spend my time with. I mean hey, no one really wants to post pictures of them sad or all the bad things they’re going through or dealing with. However, I just feel like I need to share this because you never know who could be dealing with the same issues, and you never know who it could encourage in the end.
In April of this year, I moved to Germany. I moved out on my own. I had to settle into not only a new home, but adapt to a new culture, learn my way around, make new friends, start a new full time job, in-process to base, find a car, start paying all of my bills, etc. Its been extremely stressful at times, only being 19 years old, but I’m glad I have what it takes to get through and that I have God and other people to guide me along the way. It’s been a good change. On top of that, to basically sum up everything, I did not enjoy my workplace at all when I first got here. At all. I hated being there and I felt depressed being there. I had to take initiative and step up on my own just to learn the basics of what I needed to do. I got the nexplanon birth control implant and two weeks into having it is when my body started negatively reacting to it and it ended up getting so bad that I went to different medical facilities, woman’s clinics and ERs for a few weeks. I had to go home on E-Leave because my brother was in critical condition, diagnosed with appendicitis, and the whole time while I was home it was a mix of being in the hospital for my brother and being in the hospital for everything I was dealing with as well. I ended up getting the birth control removed at home but when I got back to Germany I went back to work, still not feeling well, and I got transferred to the ER off base because I was fatigued, nauseous and in and out of consciousness. I got admitted into the hospital overnight because my liver enzymes (which are supposed to be around 40) were elevated to 1150 and there was a high risk of my spleen rupturing. My enzymes were 20x higher and my spleen was 3x the size from what they should have been. I ended up getting diagnosed with mono, as well as a lot of the other symptoms still happening from the birth control I had. So I’ve been on convalescent leave and quarters for two weeks now and am still getting follow ups with my doctor every two days. This also eliminates my chances out playing basketball this fall due to my health, which I was really looking forward to.
Nevertheless to say, it’s been a stressful time for me. I’ve been so stressed and filled with so much anxiety that it’s been hard to even sleep at night because I’ll be up at night while my mind wanders to a million places at once. My anxiety got so bad to where I got sent to the ER again only a week ago because I started having severe sharp pains in my chest. So I guess what I’m getting at is, in challenging seasons like this, where do you find hope? #1 Self-Care. I’ve been focusing more on making myself a higher priority. Self-care is so important; starting with what you eat and what you do to stay active. Even if you just put lemon in your water or go for walks at night. Any little change will help and make you feel so much better physically.
#2 Gratitude. I’ve been writing down what I’m grateful for every day. Things that made me smile or laugh that day, what I’m looking forward to. Little things. It helps a lot when you appreciate all the little things, regardless of what else may be happening around you. It keeps your mind in the right place. And a grateful heart is a happy and content heart.
#3 Jesus. No matter how alone you may feel, God is always there and Jesus is always reaching out his hand to you. He feels our hurts and knows exactly what we’re going through. He simply just wants us to run to him. He wants a relationship with us through the bad times AND the good times. Anything bad that happens, He can use and turn it around for the good. I’ll admit I’ve spent time being pissed off at God. When I was almost at life-threatening condition, when my brother was, when I found out Tanner was leaving, I couldn’t help but be so mad that it was happening. And it wasn’t until my mom said, “Don’t you dare be mad at Jesus. He didn’t do this to you. The birth control did this to you. The Air Force is what’s moving him. That’s just life. God only wants the best for you. He doesn’t want to see you hurting” until I finally took a step back and reminisced over all the previous hard seasons in my life where God came through and I saw His plan for what it was the whole time. He always comes through.
With all that’s been happening, the most I could do is give my worries to God and let Him do the rest. It’s hard. But it’s necessary. This is a season of healing. It’s a process, but healing takes times. So no matter how hard of a time you’re going through, how many trials you’re facing, you can find hope, peace, love and great joy in Jesus. Even if it’s just praying when you wake up in the morning or when you go to bed, or simply thinking of one thing you’re grateful for, or taking a night to pamper yourself or make your favorite food. Whatever it may be, hard times pass. The past is already gone, so why not focus on the present and all that is to come? You’re way way stronger than you think.
xoxo
Faith
"There is no need to worry. There is so much more ahead of you than you could possibly see or understand right now: There are so many more rivers to cross and mountains to climb, and all of these things will happen in time. And even if the mountains take a little awhile to get to, and even if you have to tread a little further to get to them, God is still faithful in leading you where you need to be and everything He does is with divine intention. So slow down. There's no need to rush when you know Him. The party won't start without you. No one is going to take your seat and you will not be replaced or forgotten. In Him, you no longer have a reason to fear missing out. You only need to keep trusting, keep going, knowing that He will never leave you, He will never forsake you, He will always give you what you need, and lead you right where you belong."
Philippians 3:13-14 13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
